my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
