No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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