just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I am naked and annoyed.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
