My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
