I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
