Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
