Your mouth is God's brothel.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
