____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
