Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My pussy is not your playground.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
