I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.