my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
