it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
