at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
