Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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