you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
