Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
