My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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