cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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