boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
