The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
