I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
