OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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