The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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