you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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