were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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