So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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