The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
