I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
