soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
