remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
