Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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