My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Randomize