My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
