just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
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Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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