Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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