I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
