So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
