i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
