she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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