He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
