Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
