I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
