Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.