Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
