Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
