my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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