we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
