i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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