So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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