Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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