Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I intend to get homeless drunk
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
