Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
