I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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