God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
