Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
